I think it is a scientific fact that contrary to what we know, December is not really the happiest month of the year. In fact, I read somewhere that there is a high percentage of people getting depressed during December. Worse, suicide rates are also high. I guess it is just because we are expected to be happy during this month. But what if we are not? Aren’t we just fooling ourselves when we show off happiness when deep inside we are actually slowly crumbling to pieces?
Exactly last year ago I had the lowest time of my life. So low that I wish I could hibernate or something (killing myself will never be an option, those are for cowards). That time, I never thought that I’d even live through it. In just one instant, I felt betrayed by the people who I thought were my friends, and the people who were lurking from the sidelines had the opportunity to feed on my carcass, and they did! I was so freaking down that waking up every morning to go the office was so laborious that I called in sick most of the time (well that was partially the true). It is never a cliche that during these times you will really learn who your real friends are. Wow, when I look back, even if that was just a year ago, the pain is still too vivid.
Adding salt to wound, I felt that RM (Object of my affection for about 9 months) was slowly drifting away. Months before, I caught him cheating on me. He was in the bathroom when his phone rang. My curiosity heightened so I checked his messages and sure enough I saw lewd messages exchanged for a period of 1 week. I remember he cancelled out in an activity that we planned days before. I specifically remember him telling me that something important came up. Apparently it was a coital emergency. I thought I will go berserk when in this kind of situation, weirdly, I did not. So I copied the phone number of the guy he was cheating with and planned to meet him. Anyway, I met the guy and had the most forgettable revenge sex ever. Back to December. So, as if to prove myself that I can be so pathetic, I slaved over in preparing a pre-Xmas feast for him and his friends. I picked them up, fed them and sent them home. He stayed with me in my car for a couple of minutes. He kissed me, I blurted out “I love you”, he just smiled. The short drive home felt like I was en route to Baguio as I tried to understand what that smile was about. I never got a text from him for 5 day. After Xmas day (and after 5 paintings) he texted: Sorry if I wasn’t able to text you. But when you told me that you love me, it got me thinking. I think it will be best if we should be just friends, best friends if you will”. I stared into blank space for about ten minutes. I lied down and just saw that the ceiling was full of cobwebs and cracks. Funny, I thought that breaking up should involve drama but no single tear fell. Instead, I replied “there’s no need, I have a lot of friends already.” He replied immediately saying that he was sad, and was sorry blah blah. I did not care and watched CSI instead.
A year passed and thankfully last year’s emotional hiatus never came back. I have a new set of friends, and I still treasure my dear old friends. and I still hate the people that had hurt me and I will give them the intensity of my wrath soon bwahahaha. (Unless I change my mind and realize that they don’t deserve my time anyway.
So, here’s for the good times! After all, everyone of us should all be happy this time of the year!
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